Embarrassment is Fake

*Trying to* break out of the cycle of caring about what people think of me but my god is it difficult

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of avoiding embarrassment, living my ‘truth’, gaining confidence, etc. Blegh! I think of all the things I’d want to do if I simply just didn’t feel embarrassment, and honestly, the list is kind of long. Often, I find myself not doing something because I don’t think I’m good at it or because I don’t think I have the expertise to do so. Or I just get overwhelmingly consumed with thinking about what other people think about it and start to absolutely dread that.

For example, I’ve wanted to lean more into blogging/maybe even vlogging on YouTube but like, I can’t think of a more mortifying thing? This substack already feels absolutely mortifying at times? I also think back to how much fun I had when I was trying to be a micro-influencer on instagram (or way back, on tumblr), and I stopped ultimately because I was absolutely overwhelmed with feeling embarrassed and mortified by being so out there and so I deleted everything in a fever dream of dread and regret one day.

Another example is when I think about my Portuguese. I’m Brazilian through my mother’s side of the family, and we started traveling to Brazil when I was around ~5 years old. My family mostly spoke English to me and so I got by. My comprehension is actually pretty good—if I’m paying attention I can follow along. And my ability to form a sentence isn’t really the worst either. My vocabulary is limited, grammar atrocious, and accent laughable, but like, I can get by. I mean, I take the words someone says in Portuguese and translate them back to English in my head, then form my response in English and translate it back to Portuguese so…it takes awhile. But I can get by. But for so many years, I have chosen not to get by because I’m embarrassed about not being perfect. God forbid the lady at the supermarket knows Portuguese isn’t my first language? And I cognitively know that the only way to get better is to actually speak, but I’m so crippled by the reaction I’ll get that I’ve limited myself severely in the long run¹.

I think that’s happened a lot with this newsletter, thinking that while I love writing, I’m uninteresting (at best), and engaging in mortifying behavior (at worst). I have over thirty drafts I’ve refused to publish so far because I find them all to expose myself a bit too much in one way or another. And instead of just keeping up the habit for myself, I find the de-motivation setting in and I give up, or ignore it, or whatever.

I am the first person to say “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks” out loud, but when I look inward, I realize that I actually really give many fucks about what people think. And I find it frustrating because I have such a desire to release myself from that judgement and expectation but I feel like I absolutely cannot. I have tried the ol’ “if you say something enough you’ll believe it, and if you believe it enough it becomes true,” but I never believe it and it never comes true. Because cognitively I don’t actually give a fuck what anyone thinks but deep down I can’t help it! I do!!!

I feel this way about most everyone, from friends to coworkers to acquaintances to strangers, and it’s exhausting. One of the symptoms of ADHD is something called Rejection Sensitivity, which basically means we are—you guessed it—more sensitive to rejection.

I’ve recently been thinking of ways out of that and, frustratingly, and coming up kind of blank. We only get one life, and at my core I really don’t want to live it consumed by other’s and their expectations. But at the same time, I find it so difficult to release myself from embarrassment. Which is annoying! Is embarrassment really the worst thing I can feel?

I would argue it absolutely isn’t, but for me at least, embarrassment is accompanied by anxiety and this awareness of how I’m perceived. But in thinking about wanting to live my life a bit more to the fullest, and really jumping in to being me, I am challenging myself to reframe what embarrassment is. And ultimately, embarrassment is fake².

A YouTuber I love, Caroline Winkler, described embarrassment as “ideas about somebody else’s theoretical ideas about you”³. Read that again! Basically embarrassment is just what we think someone could possibly think about us, but isn’t grounded in truth, reality, or anything tangible. I absolutely love this definition and it’s helped me take some power away from the idea of being embarrassed. Do I really want to go through like crippled by something someone else could possibly—but probably doesn’t—think?? I really fucking don’t!

I hate to bring everything back to this, but this feels even more important now that I’ve become a parent. I want my kid to grow up in a world where he is able to live HIS truth and best self, and I really don’t see a way to instill that in him unless I’m able to do that myself.

In that same video, Caroline goes on to talk about a moment she had when she was filming a video, in the gym⁴, and she was faced with the decision to set up a very public shot and face embarrassment or not set up the shot that she wanted. She talks about that this decision really boiled down to her deciding between two things: someone has a thought about her, or she gets to do something she wants to do (set up a shot at the gym) that impacts something she loves to do (make youtube videos).

Alright Caroline…when you put it that way, is there really a choice to be made?

🤯. Well, when you put it that way, it’s pretty obvious. Why choose thoughts in someone else’s head over my own happiness? Because I’ve given those thoughts so much power over the many many years I’ve tried to fit in (but didn’t)? Is not letting someone have a thought about me that isn’t overwhelmingly positive better than not doing what I want? Is it easier?

In many ways I actually do think it’s easier, at least in the short term (and at least for me). Making a decision that doesn’t align with who I am at my core is easier when it’s accompanied by pushing down uncomfortable feelings. But it’s not fulfilling in the long run!

So what do we do about this? How do we get out of this⁵? It, unfortunately, doesn’t seem as easy as just declaring embarrassment is fake and walking away. In an attempt to sort through this, here are the steps I think I can take to try to break free from embarrassment. Maybe…I’m uncomfortable just thinking about some of this stuff.

Think of moments where maybe I should be embarrassed but I’m not.

Or phrased another way (because if embarrassment is fake, maybe I should never be embarrassed), what are the moments where maybe others might be embarrassed but I don’t get that way? All I can think of here for me is dancing. At concerts and weddings, I love to dance and spend as much time as I can on the dance floor. I don’t particularly think I’m a good dancer, and there are moments where I let the music take over and I have no idea what my body is doing. But in those moments, I’m living my absolute best life and am experiencing pure joy. I can’t explain why this doesn’t embarrass me, but it really doesn’t. I’m having fun, so who cares!

But I want to understand it, because I want to emulate it and apply it to other situations. In those moments, here’s what goes through my brain: there is a song I like playing. I enjoy music by moving my body to it. There is a space at this wedding/show/event where I can go ahead and move my body to the music. So, I will move my body to the music and enjoy myself. Because what else am I doing? I think what has helped here is knowing what it feels like to not dance when I want to, and knowing immediately how un-gratifying that is.

My husband does not like dancing. We have danced together twice in our lives, and both times were at our wedding: our first dance and then the song after the first dance. Early on during our dating life, I’d hang out on the sidelines with him, watching the dance floor from afar, longing to be a part of the action. At some point (and thankfully for me, after not a very long time), I just told him he could find me on the dance floor if he needed me and went out and enjoyed myself. That version of the night is way more fun than the one where I’m just sitting there and am not drenched in my own sweat!

I think the hard part in applying this situation to others is that the gratification is instant (and so is the dissatisfaction) and the moments where I could be embarrassed are fleeting. In the example above with Caroline deciding whether or not to film something, the embarrassment is instant but the payoff is not. The payoff is having footage to put in a video, down the line, but you have to wait for that. In that exact moment, the easier decision is to not film. And because the gratification isn’t instant, it’s easy to forget about it as well.

So what can I learn from here? When deciding between doing something that could make someone have a thought about me or doing something that will lead to something more fulfilling, I have to really get myself into the headspace of what I gain—and lose—by not doing that. Delayed gratification is really hard for people with ADHD, but I think this practice is really important.

Think of moments where I had no choice but to be embarrassed (and everything was okay in the long run)

Sometimes, we have to do the embarrassing thing. A few years ago, my husband, our friend, and I traveled to Mexico City for vacation. Everything was fine and dandy until we had to call our Uber and we were trying to figure out where to meet him. In that moment, it became very clear that one of us was going to have to at least try to speak Spanish, and unfortunately, that someone had to be me. I had studied Spanish for the longest in school (my husband never did), and my comprehension of Portuguese makes understanding Spanish a bit easier too. In that situation (and for much of the trip), the choice was between: 1. being embarrassed and getting what/where we needed to get or 2. not being embarrassed and being stranded at the airport.

The decision was easy, the pay-off worth it, and when I think back to that trip I don’t really remember the anxiety or embarrassment I felt, but rather feeling accomplished for getting us around as well as I did.

Think of people who I can look up to that aren’t easily embarrassed (or at least fake it well)

When I think of people who seem immune to embarrassment, I’m struck by their ability to lean into what they love, unapologetically. Influencers and other creators like Caroline Winkler are great examples here, who don’t just put themselves out there but thrive while doing so. Because honestly most influencers are 'cringey' to other people, but these people have made successful businesses out of their content and continue to do so despite the 'haters'. Watching Caroline vlog in public or speak candidly about her life reminds me that taking risks can lead to deeper connections.

My husband is another person I look up to in this regard. He's said to me many times before "I live for myself, not for anyone else" and I honestly love that. He has this quiet confidence about him—it’s not loud or boastful, but it’s there in the way he makes decisions and approaches the world. It's hard to articulate if you don't know him, but he serves as another reminder to me about what a life sans embarrassment could look like.

I don't think anyone above is fearless, but the are people who don't seem to let embarrassment hold them back. Seeing others live 'their truth' inspire me to loosen my grip on the thoughts I think others might have, to stop worrying so much about being judged, and to just go for it.

a QUICK bathroom selfie I took once, bc I liked the bathroom, but was absolutely terrified someone would walk in because in this moment I couldn’t think of a more embarrassing and mortifying activity to engage in than taking a selfie of myself in a public bathroom! Someone did walk in, and I am still alive to tell the tale.

Embarrassment, at its core, is a barrier I’ve created for myself—one that I’ve allowed to dictate so much of what I do (or don’t do). But as I sit with these reflections, it becomes clear that I have a choice: to let my life be ruled by the fear of hypothetical thoughts others might have about me, or to choose my own happiness and fulfillment instead.

It’s not an easy shift. But if embarrassment really is just “ideas about someone else’s theoretical ideas about me,” then maybe I’ve been holding on to something that was never even real to begin with. The anxiety and rejection sensitivity I feel are real, but I’m learning that they don’t have to define me. By choosing joy over fear, I hope to live more authentically—and to teach my son that being yourself is worth the risk of a little embarrassment.

So, here’s to doing the things that make me happy—blogging, dancing, trying my broken Portuguese, or anything else—regardless of what anyone might think. Because at the end of the day, the reward of living authentically far outweighs the fleeting discomfort of embarrassment (or at least that’s the hope).

1. I’ve actually made a bit of an effort to improve here, the last time we were in Brazil forcing myself to do more alone (or with my English-speaking husband only), and that helped. But I know my language skills are lacking pretty much 100% because of me and my fear of embarrassment.

2. I want to be really clear that I’m not saying our feelings around this topic aren’t valid, and I know the anxiety that follows for me is very very very real, so keep that in mind as you continue to read.

3. 7 Reasons Why You Should Be Embarrassing - Caroline Winkler

4. she calls it the most mortifying thing ever, which lol she’s not wrong

5. I’m assuming at least one of you is feeling this way, thus the tense shift! I’m bringing you along