i’ve been asked
'why do you write,’
and it feels meta to write about writing
(though i’ve done it before)
but i can attempt to answer.
when i speak,
my thoughts move faster than my mouth
while at the same time,
my mouth moves faster than my thoughts.
if that doesn’t make sense, i know, it doesn’t, i agree
but it happens, and it means i sometimes
come up with great ideas
while having a chat;
ideas i didn’t know i had in me.
and sometimes
it means i put my foot in my mouth
or say something i didn’t quite mean.
and sometimes
i lose my train of thought
and i need to take a pause i don’t want to take,
which often leads me to say something i didn’t mean to or want to say.
and sometimes
i can’t find the words,
only to think of them later when replaying a conversation back in my head—
for better or worse.
when i write, the same thing happens.
my fingers move faster than my thoughts
and my thoughts move faster
than my fingers.
but when i write, it’s something that makes sense
it’s something that works,
my fingers and thoughts catching each other like a net at the bottom of a trapeze.
working beautifully together, intertwining at the exact right moments.
if i come up with a great idea i write it down,
and if i say write something that would put my proverbial foot in my mouth
i delete it
(or at least i save it somewhere, a thought for myself, and no one else)
and if i lose my train of thought
or when i can’t find the words
i can sit and think
or
i can keep writing until the thought comes out
or i find the words, eventually.
and sometimes the words that precede have an impact
i couldn’t have imagined
or written myself
until i wrote them myself.
so i write.
i can’t get away without speaking
from a practical sense, at least.
and while in a practical sense
i can get away without writing,
i can’t get away without writing
or else i fear
i’d never quite find the words
never understand
my thoughts,
this world,
my self.
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