The Layoff Diaries #2: Week 1 | Riding out the Hangover

A swim in the Atlantic, a mid-day gym session, a headache I couldn't shake, an impromptu trip upstate, and the absence of my tears.

This essay is part of a larger, longer series: The Layoff Diaries. I’m writing about my experiences after my third, and hopefully final, layoff. I’m capturing the hard stuff, the fun stuff, and the mundane of it all.

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The days after a layoff always find me in strange ways. Foggy, elusive, and a bit disconnected from reality.

I’ve always been laid off on a Monday or Tuesday — that tends to be the way these things go more often than not, and so that first week always feels like limitless space, wandering in the fog, figuring out what’s next as my new reality sets in.

Start with a layoff, and then float through the rest.

While this ‘layoff week’ may look different each time, the cycle of emotions remains constant. I feel like I’m floating, the exhaustion hits, and each decision unravels into the next. Even when there’s a “plan,” there really isn’t a plan.

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This post walks through the first week of my layoff — the day before, of, and the rest of the fog of that week. A headache I couldn’t get rid of, an attempt to rest while staying busy, and settling into my ‘new normal’.

The Layoff Diaries: Week 1 | Riding out the Hangover

Day -1: Monday

I woke up and got ready to start a normal week at my normal job. To be honest, the vibes had felt off for a few weeks and I kept thinking this was coming. The Monday before this one, I started my journal entry with the words “well, today is the day I get laid off. At least that’s what I’ve convinced myself”.

I was convinced this could be happening, and if it did would happen on a Monday, last Monday, to be specific. I spent the entire morning trying to work, but my anxiety was getting in the way of doing anything. “The call will be at noon,” I thought. When noon came and went, I figured we were all good, that I was overreacting and putting together pieces that weren’t there. A few hours later, I had a weird meeting. I tried to push it out of my mind.

“Something is going on,” I texted a coworker after a team meeting. “I absolutely smell trouble”.

But when this new Monday rolled around, I still found myself checking calendars for weird meetings, but then let it slide for most of the morning. I did write about the vibes at work, still off, but not as bad as the week before.

Things felt slow and quiet, which is often not a good sign, but the balance between not reading too deeply into things that don’t matter and being oblivious has blurred. Two of my meetings were cancelled. My energy was low, but I was determined to stay focused as much as I could. I talked myself out of my crazy theories and thought my past layoff trauma was getting in the way.

Monday came and went again, and I thought I survived another week.