Grateful for Unemployment (and Other Things I’m Not Supposed to Say Out Loud)

On slumps, questioning what work should look like, and (temporarily) saying goodbye to my free time

Every so often, writing this newsletter goes from a labor of love to a labor of… labor. It usually corresponds to what’s happening in my life: I’m either busy or just not feeling it (usually in a slump in other areas as well). I’ve written about this before, and I don’t think I realized the extent of my slump until I published an essay at the end of July, talking about how little joy Substack had started to bring me.

Substack isn't Sparking Joy (but maybe it's me)

I loved writing that essay because it made me realize I wasn’t alone. So many of you shared you felt similarly about this space, and that seemed to be the permission I needed to take a little step back.

The last few weeks have been busy, and it’s only getting busier. My job search had a period where it picked up a bit — interviews to prepare for and a take-home project consumed some of my time. Day care is closed this week, so I’m on parenting duty during the day. And I just signed a three-month contract for some PM work.

I am also working on a commissioned essay, which is very exciting! But it also means I have spent most of my ‘writing energy’ on that.

I am consumed with the state of my home, as usual, and feel like I can’t keep up. Always something to clean, to take care of, and I’ve let that take priority too (though I don’t think you’d know it by looking at my space right now).

And while I had plans and drafts and the like, I’ve struggled to bring those over the finish line.

I’ve been working out and am having a lot of fun doing it — strength training, mat Pilates, daily walks, even practicing my tennis swing at the handball court. I’ve started taking Portuguese lessons, experimented with fashion (by actually wearing the clothes I own!), and spent time with friends.

So, August has not been bad. I am busy, but I am enjoying how I am spending my time. It’s funny to think that all of this means I am in a ‘slump’. I am doing a lot, but I still feel like it takes a lot to get there.

However, I’m also searching for the desire to return to Substack. And while the desire is there, I’m finding it hard to actually pair that with action. Ah, the age-old motivation problem.

I firmly believe that motivation is never enough to accomplish anything, so I know I can’t rely solely on it. With writing, often, the key for me is to just sit down and get started. That’s what I’ve asked myself to do here.

Every morning, I’ve been writing three things I’m grateful for. And every day, in some shape or form, I say I’m grateful for this time to explore. And one day last week, I actually called it out. I said I was grateful for unemployment — it feels bizarre and even out of touch to say something like that.

Grateful to be forced out of a situation I knew was not right for me, grateful to be supported, and grateful to be able to spend this time, looking, questioning, and finding real alignment in what’s next.

I’ve taken a break from my morning pages, and I suspect that may be part of what’s going on, too. I’d like to get back to those, but am finding my days are flying by before I realize it. Things are starting to get busier, though, so I’m trying to figure out how to carve out that time now.

There are also certain truths I’m grappling with. For starters, I’m coming to terms with the fact that writing has slipped from my priority list this summer. In my last ‘Layoff Diaries’ essay, I talk about how I daydreamed about having more time, even before I was laid off, and how I’d fill that time with writing. I haven’t done nearly as much of that as I anticipated or hoped I would.

The Layoff Diaries #5: Oh sh*t...Did I ask for this?

I was also interviewing for jobs I’m not sure I even want — not from the standpoint of the particular job in question, but rather, I’m questioning my career direction. Do I still want to be a Product Manager? This contract gig I’m about to embark on is in the Product space, but something about the short-term nature of that makes it more palatable. It makes me wonder if there’s something greater there?

That question echoes in my brain. I’ve been saying I’m “open” to other roles, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m more than just open. There’s probably something I’m not quite ready to say out loud here (and something I have said out loud in a draft I just can’t bring myself to publish). I guess more on that soon.

More than anything, though, I’m tired. I’m getting some of the best sleep I have had in a while, but I’m still tired.

I’m reimagining what ‘work’ looks like. I know that a 9-to-5 brings wonderful security, and I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up, but I am ready to ask the question: Is that enough? Is that really the goal? Is that really how I want to spend my precious time on this planet?

As I wrap up this last week of true unemployment, I have two competing emotions. On the one hand, I am grateful and feel as though a weight has been lifted. On the other hand, I am already mourning the time I no longer have. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye — signing this contract during a childcare gap, immediately taking for granted the promise of ‘next week’.

I don’t know what the point of writing this is. I’m not sure if I’ll publish this¹ or if it is just a freewrite. I am in a slump, and I think it’s just with writing. Writing for this platform? Maybe. Writing overall? Maybe.

I’ve lived through enough slumps to know that often, the way out of it is to just do the thing that I’m avoiding. In this case, it’s writing the essay that doesn’t say much but feels cathartic, not only to write, but also to publish.

1. Spoiler: I guess I did!