The duality of (simply) having a wonderful Christmastime

And that's...enough?

Hello and Happy Holidays! I really wanted to send this out before Christmas Eve, and here I am creeping in at the metaphorical (and almost literal) eleventh hour.

I really do love the holiday season and find it to be such a lovely and warm time. Fun playlists, holiday cookies, decorating the Christmas tree, and gifting, of course. If I can be honest, I also find the month of December, in general but specifically the second half, to be incredibly overwhelming. It’s a time of so much joy and so much effort.

All of those wonderful moments take time and energy, and my normal responsibilities don’t go away. I still have to be a parent, a partner, keep up with the laundry, make sure I’m showering, etc. I still have a job that eats ~40 hours of my weekly time, and the end of the year can be particularly busy¹.

Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime² could be interpreted to explain this duality perfectly.

I really am, simply, having a wonderful Christmastime (and I’m not putting words in the man’s mouth, that’s likely the extent of what he meant when he wrote that song), but beneath the surface I am also waiting to get through and past the holidays to the other side, reminding myself over and over that even if it’s tough I am still simply having a wonderful time and I should only let that gratitude and joy show! Kind of like the ‘This is fine’ dog. I mocked up something to explain what I mean further:

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (probably a three way tie between Christmas, Halloween, and New Year’s Eve, if I had to pick) and also it’s a time that is stressful, tiring, and in a world where I already feel like I am struggling to keep up for the first 11 months of the year, I feel like I am extra struggling to keep up during the holidays.

To add insult to injury and salt to the wound, my grandmother passed away last Christmas Eve, and I feel like I have been almost anticipating this anniversary. She loved Christmas, too, and it’s almost unbearable sometimes to think too much about the irony of that. So, normal life pressures, seasonal holiday pressures, and some extra looming grief.

This December in particular, I’ve felt tired and worn down at best. I’ve abandoned my desk almost completely for a preference for getting work done from bed, I have to remind myself to shower, and I am looking for the joy this season promises in places it doesn’t seem to exist.

I don’t mean to sound overly dramatic or pessimistic or whatever. I’ve had some really lovely moments this season—we threw a great holiday party at the beginning of the month, had fun doing holiday shopping as a family, and my primary emotions remain gratitude, joy, and overall contentment.

Also finding lots of joy in listening to Christmas music and also music that isn’t technically holiday music but always feels right to listen to this time of year, like Blue

One of those moments was on a freezing cold day a few weeks ago, after we’d been out shopping for wrapping paper and other holiday odds and ends. I was ready to head home, but my son wasn’t. He had been confined to the car seat, and then stroller, while we were shopping at the hectic Paper Source in Park Slope. As I went to put him back in his car seat, he started crying and asking for a combo of “walk” and “down”. We were parked across the street from 321, so I took him to the playground there for a few minutes. He was mostly content just walking around and watching the big kids play. He wouldn’t keep his mittens on but he was smiling through it all.

Afterward, the Chipotle on 7th Ave caught my eye, and we decided to stop in for an, albeit early, dinner. It was his first-ever kids’ meal there³, and while I thought he’d go for the quesadilla, he ignored it completely and dove straight into the beans. He was having an absolute ball scooping up those beans with his hands, one by one, and giggling between bites.

the bean boy himself

It wasn’t anything big, but it was one of those moments where everything felt really good. For a little while, the stress and the heaviness of the season faded into the background. It was just us, warm and happy, and it felt like exactly what I needed.

But those moments can feel fleeting when everything else feels so heavy. Work has been tough and busy, my husband recently lost his job, and the holiday parties—fun as they were—added to the mental load. And underneath it all, there’s the quiet grief that this season now brings. Balancing ‘standard life tasks’ with ‘seasonsal holiday tasks’ has felt almost impossible.

I find a slight bit of relief in the fact that this really would feel like a lot for anyone.

Those moments stick with me, even when the heavy ones feel like they’re winning in real-time. The sweeter memories always seem to carry more weight.

I’ve been feeling a little guilty about the things we haven’t done this year—we didn’t make it to Lightscape at the Botanic Gardens, we didn’t take our son to see Santa, and we don’t have fancy matching pajamas (I bought my son his Christmas pajamas secondhand, and one pair might already be too tight). But at the same time, we’ve been focusing on the traditions that feel meaningful to us.

Said Christmas PJs with our favorite toy, the Sonos…

It was really important to me that we wake up in our own home on Christmas morning, so we made sure to prioritize that. My husband is making his famous French toast casserole, which I’m hoping will become one of our little family’s holiday traditions. The thought of starting the morning in our home, together, feels just right.

I think these traditions are what matter most—the ones that feel doable, sustainable, and ours. It’s not about freezing through a $50 light show, splurging on pricey matching pajamas, or waiting in a long line with a sometimes antsy toddler because that’s what works for others. It’s about figuring out what feels meaningful to us and leaning into that.

The duality of getting through the holidays and letting myself pause to enjoy them is also something I’m navigating. December 26th feels like a destination—a sign I’ve made it through and can finally take a breath. At the same time, being present and soaking up the joy feels just as important.

Because I am fortunate enough to have the week between Christmas and New Year’s completely off from work, I also get to experience the absolute lawlessness and void-ness that that week is. The 26th–30th always feels like a time warp where there are no rules—what needs to get done, what should get eaten, how many hours one can sit on the couch (or in bed). Last year, the grief that comes with loss made it all feel heavier.

Being able to disconnect and relax is such a gift, and I know that, but if I’m not careful I could bed rot⁴ my way into the new year (as the kids say) wearing the same sweatpants for days on end.

This year, I’ve been thinking about how the holidays hold all of these contrasts at once: joy and exhaustion, celebration and overwhelm, love and loss. I’ve realized it’s not about balancing these things perfectly but letting myself feel it all.

The holidays are a lot—a lot of fun, joy, food, stress, excitement, exhaustion, relaxation, etc. Every year I feel that duality more, and this year, it’s hitting a bit harder. I’m letting myself actually acknowledge this mix—holding onto the joy while carrying the heaviness. Somehow, that makes it feel both heavier and easier to move through. Acknowledging it helps me see the hard stuff more clearly and also allows me to feel the good stuff even more deeply.

These two photos, taken 5 minutes apart, feels like a good metaphor for what I'm trying to say here

I think (and write) a lot about the idea of ‘balance,’ but this is one place where I’m okay with not finding it. Instead, I’m trying to just sit with it all—the joy and the mess, the light and the heavy. Taking away the pressure to balance it all is actually freeing. Sometimes, I need balance, and other times I need to remember that life swings between extremes—and that’s okay.

All in all, I still really am simply having a wonderful Christmastime.

So, Happy Holidays to you all, and thank you for being here. I’m excited for what’s ahead—for the holidays to arrive and, yes, for them to pass. I’d love to hear from you about how you’re navigating this season. How are you holding onto joy while carrying whatever feels heavy? And how do you remind yourself that it’s okay to feel both?

1. Not so much as busy as folks in, say finance or retail, but it definitely doesn’t slow down in my current role until I leave for the holidays.

2. Would you humor me and agree that this is one of the best Christmas songs? At least can you admit it’s one of the best music videos for a Christmas song???

3. Do not sleep on the Chipotle kid’s meal!!!

4. Bed Rotting: Source